Don't Make Me Toast, I Won't Cheat

Of all the high class ways I could have spent an afternoon, I chose watching vomiting, masturbation, non-stop profanity, a whole lot of screaming, gratuitous stabbing, a hand job and anger-induced destruction of property.

Someone's gotta keep up with the local film scene.

The Byrd theater was hosting a super-secret screening of "Science Team," a micro-budget sci-fi/horror movie set in Richmond.

I was far from the only one who couldn't resist the allure of heads exploding and blood spurting, all set in familiar locations.

The hilarity started even before the film when I had to listen to the inane banter of the two college-age couples behind me.

"The years go by so much faster than they did when I was in high school," one girl said , all sincerity. "Now that I'm, you know, having fun."

Just for the record, she also clarified that her parents do her taxes because, "I'm not really grown up and that stuff's, like, hard. So my Dad pays the taxes and then writes me a check for what I should have gotten. I know that's not very real world." Giggle.

Can't wait till life smacks you in the face, sweetie.

Two of the film's producers came out to introduce it, warning us that, "It's not a final version, but it's still good." So we were the only audience who will ever see this version.

"We have a lot of people we have to thank for their help getting this movie made," the director said. "I won't mention them specifically."

Alrighty, then.

Familiar Richmond sites began showing up with the first scene at the Carillon followed by scenes at Dogwood Dell and in front of the aluminum foil building.

The premise was simple. A guy finds out his girlfriend cheated on him ("I made you toast and you went and had sex with Donald on the very same day!"), destroys the living room and goes home to take solace with his mother.

Only she's dead, her head having been exploded by an alien.

The Science Team comes to the rescue, sending in a crack team in pink jumpsuits led by an inter-galactic diplomat, all of them trained to defend American shores from external and existential threats.

Not surprisingly, a lot of the special effects got major cheers from the audience.

Two of the funnier elements of the story were all the dated devices used- land lines, VCR tapes and machines, a typewriter- and that the hero spent the entire film in his robe, wife-beater and boxers.

Was most of the humor utterly sophomoric? Absolutely.

Was the violence over-the-top and gratuitous? You bet.

Were there politically incorrect references? Sure were.

Did the Science Team ultimately save the day while we ate popcorn and laughed at inappropriate jokes?

Yes, and on a Saturday afternoon, isn't that more than enough?