The Booty Don't Stop

The beauty (and fun) of Found magazine is getting to be a voyeur.

I love hearing and seeing the random writings of strangers and tonight the Rothbart brothers brought another evening of obscure found objects to a packed house at Gallery 5.

A shopping list: gun, gun, ski mask, Nerds. Because every crime needs a candy chaser.

A letter from an angry girlfriend that closes with "Please die." Clearly "Yours truly" didn't fit her mood.

A sign: Lock this Door (to prevent unauthorized persons from defecating in the washing machine). Authorized persons, on the other hand, may?

A letter written to a dead mother and tied to a balloon and left in a cemetery. Found stuck in a tree...on its way to heaven?

A note from a kid: "Dad, please pick me up at the coffee shop when you are done taking a crap." Parenting 101.

If not for Found, I would not be privy to such hysterical words put to paper.

And although I've been to several Found events in the past, tonight's was different because it was a competition.

Found magazine was going toe to toe with the Found Footage Festival for the audience's favor; there were three judges chosen randomly from the audience to decide.

In each round, we heard readings from found writings and saw found video footage.

Some of it was painful for me to watch, like the snippets from old safety videos where people were hit by cars, cut off their hands with saws and fell from tall ladders.

Some of it was over-the-top funny like the enormous woman dancing while singing the praises of fat women only to be joined by a sexy black man dancing around her.

There was even live music from one of the Found guys, Peter, performing music based on finds.

"Bus or Beer" was about the agonizing choice of going for a drink or missing the last bus.

"The Booty Don't Stop" originated from a found tape of bad rap songs and contained lines like, "When I saw that ass, I knew I had to make it mine."

Peter did his own bootylicious version boy band-style and it was awesome, although the songwriter probably wouldn't have recognized it in its expanded form.

In retaliation, the video guys followed with a showing of bad full frontal nudity clips showing group dancing, arm wrestling and, um, enlargement techniques.

With the VHS videos, sometimes the cover or spine was enough.

"Bonion sergery" one VHS tape was labeled (with both words spelled incorrectly). One has to wonder, why would anyone want this on tape?

Another, originally labeled "Mom and Dad's 40th Anniversary," had those words crossed out and "Grumpier Old Men" written underneath. No doubt the first was much duller than its replacement.

The video guys ended up winning for the night and closed with a clip of a large, older man in a red, white and blue Speedo dancing for a semi-circle of seated octogenarians.

His dancing consisted of mincing steps and slapping his butt cheeks while the oldsters looked on in dismay. It was beyond funny. Why it was taped, I can't imagine.

The Found guys always collect found pieces when they're on tour. There was some discussion of whether found pieces have to be blowing or can just be discovered inert on the ground.

I have one I'd love to submit, but it wasn't exactly blowing and I know who it's from.

But it would fit in perfectly with the spirit of Found.

You're cute!
Do you want to be friends?
Check one
_yes
_no
_Fuck off

I'm thinking of checking my answer and letting it go on the street, hoping it will end up Found.