Ninja Talk

I am not a person who goes to the movies and talks to the screen.

Yes, I might gasp or grimace involuntarily, but that's the extent of my noisemaking.

Truth be told, I find movie talkers annoying and I wish they'd shut up. Except like tonight when that's what they're supposed to do.

Since I was headed to the Firehouse, Garnett's was an obvious choice for dinner.

I walked in to find two tables occupied and within half an hour, every table was taken. I took full credit.

Just after I ordered my grilled Gouda with bacon, grilled onions and tomato on rye, I got company.

We've known each other for probably five years now and he's been a chef, sous chef and pastry chef here and in bigger cities.

Which is to say that we immediately got busy talking restaurants and chefs and food.

"None of this can go in the blog," he reminded me. None of it is.

I always enjoy talking to him because he doesn't mince words and he has strong opinions.

The fact that he's so talented in the kitchen doesn't hurt, either, since I've eaten the fruits of his labor in multiple locations.

I'd planned to read the new Atlantic Monthly while I ate, but it was much more fun to dish with him.

It also slowed me down from inhaling my grilled cheese, the perfect warm sandwich on a gray day like today.

We talked right up until I left for the Firehouse Theater for the FilmRoasters take on the schlocky "American Ninja."

I'd never heard of these guys but they apparently do the Mystery Science Theater thing live with running commentary during the corny movies they screen.

And corny doesn't begin to describe "American Ninja," an 80s film with an enormous body count, little blood, a female lead with big 80s hair and high-waisted jeans and a picture of a smiling Reagan in the Colonel's office.

You know, back when catsup was a vegetable.

While I was prepared for the three film roasters to make pithy remarks about the movie, what I didn't know was that the audience would do the same.

Most of the time, the film's dialog was obliterated by live commentary, a lot of it laugh-out-loud-worthy.

Before the film began, one of the Roasters said. "You all know how this works, right?"

Someone called out, "We have to listen to you guys be more annoying than the movie!"

Bingo!

The first scene with the girl prompted someone to say, "Nice shoulder pads, honey!"

When the director's name, Sam Firstenberger, came on the screen, someone said, "I wonder if this is his second movie."

Groan. You get the idea.

During one of the many Ninja fight scenes with characters spinning and jumping off rooves, someone said, "Every stunt double's wet dream."

And of course when the American Ninja finally kissed the 80s babe, there were all kinds of disgusting slurping and sucking kiss noises.

For the big chase scene, someone said, "Ninjas in rear view mirror may be closer than they appear."

And in a nod to most of the audience's ages, during a masked sword fight, someone yelled out "Turtle power!" which got a big laugh.

The movie would been groan-worthy funny by itself, but with the improvisational skills of the Film Roasters, it became an hysterical source of derision.

Next time I may have to break my no talking movie rule and do some making fun myself.

For what it's worth, I've been told I'm quite good at it in real life.