"What a Waste!"

There's an old Rx form hanging in Tarrant's that prescribes a gallon of beer for treatment of diabetes. I'd like to see an Rx that prescribes brunch with a girlfriend for any number of female maladies, particularly machinations of the head and heart.

That's a roundabout way of saying that after three hours at the Empress with a girlfriend, I feel so much better about all the stuff that's been chasing around in my head the past two weeks.

As she pointed out, I have a habit of squaring my shoulders to the world and never letting on when things are occupying my mind, which they most certainly have been of late.

She chose the Empress because she's gluten-intolerant and every single thing on the brunch menu is gluten-free, including French toast and crepes. She ordered my favorite salad with arugula, Edam cheese, grilled chicken, garbanzo bean, sunflower seeds in a red wine vinaigrette, but I wasn't going to let myself go that route again.

Instead, I couldn't pass up the green eggs and lamb (Derby sage scrambled eggs, grilled lamb chops and hash browns), which was every bit as amazing as it sounds.

Props to Dr. Seuss for being the inspiration for something so catchy-sounding and mouth-watering. And how often do you get to suck bones at brunch? I'd say not nearly often enough.

Our server was a delight, relating to us and our conversation every time he stopped by to check on us. For every dilemma we were discussing, he had an anecdote and empathy to offer (men!). After the first hour, we were the only customers left, so we didn't feel like we were taking him from more pressing things.

Dessert was the ginger/cayenne chocolate pate, more because the kind of serious dishing we were doing called for chocolate than because either of us really needed it. Or perhaps it was celebratory since she'd been finally addressing a couple of personal issues in her life and I'd had a couple of almost forward steps in mine.

Which is not to say that either of us is satisfied with where our lives are at the moment, but when we're really honest with each other, maybe there is hope that things will eventually work out. You know, like before we're dead.

Or maybe I just need to quit squaring my shoulders and get my prescription refilled more often.

I need to do something, that's for sure.

Guys Say the Darnedest Things, Part 2: Strangers

When I last posted on this subject, it was about guys I knew and their unbelievable utterances, here.

But here's the thing: sometimes it's strangers who provide the amusement.

To start my walk every day, I have a to cross Belvidere, no small feat since it's six lanes plus two service roads.

As I was starting to cross, I heard some guy in his car hooting and hollering like crazy.

I had no reason to think it was addressed at me, so I just kept going.

Then he yelled, "Great ass!" just as I reached the center median.

No one else was around, so I glanced back, wondering if it was perhaps directed at me.

"Not YOU!" he yelled, "YOU ain't got NO ass!"

At that second, I spied a woman on the far side of Belivdere with a most ample backside getting into her car.

Clearly, she was his intended.

Before I even had time to be insulted, though, another guy a few cars back leaned out his window and said, "Don't listen to him. You have a very fine ass, miss," and then drove on.

In the space of ten seconds, I had been put down and redeemed.

It's true, men really do say the most extraordinary things.

Guys Say the Darnedest Things

So this guy makes me dinner and we're sitting outside afterwards enjoying a bottle of wine.

He leans in close like he's going to kiss me and, instead, says, "You know you're not pretty; your nose is too big. But you're nice and you're sexy as hell."

Let's just say we didn't kiss.

Or have another date, but there were other reasons for that.

That happened to me back in 2002, but it's still one of my favorite stories to share because it's hysterical.

I have no idea why he chose that moment, only inches from my face, to share his opinion, but he was certainly entitled to it.

So I was sharing that anecdote with a friend (a guy, of course) just a few weeks ago and he was appalled at the ignorance/arrogance of what the first guy had said.

He laughed about the stupidity of a guy being so blunt at such a moment.

The next thing out of his mouth was, "Your nose isn't too big. It's too pointy."

Well, thank you for clearing that up.

Not long ago, I was out with a guy friend I think can be pretty amusing when he's not wallowing in distaste for the human race.

He's made flattering remarks on occasion, although I'm not sure I'd call this one a compliment.

"Is it (pointing to my body) as well-preserved naked as it is in clothes?"

I'll give him points for a left-handed compliment, but it's still a pretty unusual way to score points...or is it?

I'd be honestly bothered if someone said I was stupid or bad company or dull. Opinions about my outside are just that: opinions and everyone is entitled to one.

I once dated a guy who said he didn't compliment me because it would make my head swell.

Fortunately for me, there are plenty of guys out there to make sure that doesn't happen.

And it can be pretty amusing even while it's keeping me in check.