Right to Bear Arms

You know what they say: love hurts.

That was tonight's theme at Lovebomb in Manchester where RAWFL (aka Richmond arm wrestling for ladies) was holding their second premiere event, this one a benefit for the James House.

It was billed as the brawny, brainy and ridiculously awesome women of RVA showing us just how much love hurts. They even promised it would hurt so bad we would love it.

I couldn't think of a better way to spend my Saturday night than watching women in costumes parading themselves around before going arm to arm.

Not so long ago, I'd seen the documentary about RAWFL, here, but in the same way that reading "The Happy Hooker" before I'd ever had sex didn't have the same, shall we say, effect, I felt sure that I needed to experience arm wrestling in the raw.

When I got to Lovebomb, the large space that three artists call theirs, the ticket taker who greeted me was the same smiling face who had been my server at Secco Thursday evening. Small world, RVA.

Further in, I found the man about town looking quite dapper in a three piece suit and holding forth from a stool. He'd been tapped to play emcee, but for now he was just enjoying a beer and chatting with all comers.

I was introduced to photographer Terry Brown who had been busy documenting the wrestlers and guests. Grinning as she shook my hand, she said, "I feel like a kid on a Make a Wish foundation trip!"

The array of eye candy was truly something to behold, alright.

At one point, she gathered me, the gallerist celebrating her 40th birthday and the emcee for a picture. I asked the emcee if he minded if I draped a leg over his lap for the shot, evidently a good idea because Terry snapped two.

Waiting for the festivities to begin, we joined others discussing how the space looked a bit like the setting for Fight Club and bad jokes ensued (vagina to vagina, mons to mons, mons-o to, never mind).

The inimitable Jamie, one half of the renowned Blood Brothers and a favorite of mine, was the DJ, meaning we heard gems like Alice Cooper's "18," a Korean version of "Love Potion #9" and a French one of "These Boots are Made for Walking." Is it any reason I love this guy's record spinning skills?

The show finally began with our host singing "lovebomb" to the tune of the "Loveboat" theme, segueing right into an introduction of the first wrestler, Queen Victorious, who arrived waving with her ladies in waiting behind her.

She was up against the all gold clad Camela Toe, who undoubtedly won that match because of all the fans chanting, "Let's go, Toe!"

To bring out the next wrestler, Pussy Power, our emcee began singing, "What's new, Pussy Power, whoa-whoa-whoa" to great effect and she arrived with an entourage, all of whom wore cat masks.

Her competition, Whammy, came out to "Hit Me with Your Best Shot" wearing a sweat shirt tucked into sweat pants and carrying a 40 ounce and a bouquet of flowers.

She lost to Pussy Power, a rematch was called for by an audience member and she won that, too.

Never underestimate pussy power seemed to be the lesson there.

Orangyna was a ginger (no surprise there) and her posse were, like her, roller girls and she went palm to palm with Phantom, a ghostly white sheet-clad figure who arrived to the theme from "Ghostbusters."

You can imagine how grueling it was watching all this hilarity, music blaring, corny emcee jokes abounding and the inevitable tension of who would win each bout, so our ref, Lily the puppet maker (looking like an escapee from Foot Locker) introduced the next performer.

A female impersonator who called herself Rosie O'Shite, her humor was about women stalking and trying to entrap men. She concluded by trying to remove her underwear to prove "she" was really a he. Fortunately, we were then back to the main event.

Amazonia, with her ankle-length hair and loincloth, arrived on a palanquin with animal attendants, but her contender Prancercizer about brought the room down.

With long blue hair, frosted pink lipstick, a unicorn horn on her head and a mincing dancey way of moving with hands in paw-like positions, she was every bit as hysterical as that awful Prancercize YouTube clip she was mimicking.

Amazonia beat her, a fan called for a rematch and she beat her again, much to the delight of her lion, who looked an awful lot like ukulele player Herschel after a few drinks.

Harry Squatter arrived on a broom to fight the geriatric Georgina Spectacle, a sight in a housecoat, slippers and smeared lipstick and requiring a walker to get slowly to the stage. Her attendants' shirts all read "Pineview Manor" as they assisted her on and off stage after her win.

By then everyone was in need of more alcoholic sustenance (and since the proceeds from beer and wine were going to Art 180, it was a good night to drink for the greater good), so Ref Lily took us through some RAWFL trivia, like which wrestler's first word was beaver.

Round two began with Camela Toe reading a treatise about giant vaginas before Pussy Power and her crawling kittens arrived to arm wrestle, with Camela taking Pussy handily twice.

Amazonia returned to challenge Camela and the two circled the table hurling insults at each other.

"Now I show you how we do a Brazilian wax in Brazil," Amazonia taunted and proceeded to rip off her braided pubic hair with her bare hands, causing Camilla to run horrified and screaming from the stage.

That left Amazonia to fight Phantom and the ghost took it.

All of a sudden there was a commotion as an interloper with a mallet arrived and demanded to wrestle. It was Miley Chugalo in her underwear and a heckler in the crowd yelled out, "Hey, Miley, will you wreck my ball?"

I don't know about that, but she couldn't beat Prancersizer, even though the blue-haired one kept prancing as she wrestled.

For the final round, Miley took on Georgina, a match so hot and heated members of the audience began getting up and stuffing bills in Miley's bra and underwear to try to give her support.

It didn't help, though, and Georgina won, but paid a price, soon collapsing onstage. When they couldn't revive her, a sheet was laid over her frail, old body and Phantom came out in his sheet to claim the victory for her.

The evening's bout concluded with Phantom being awarded the gaudy RAWFL belt as the evening's champ.

All the wrestlers returned to the stage and even the decrepit Georgina was risen from the dead for a group dance onstage before the whole room erupted in a dance party to Jamie's killer music choices.

The brawny, brainy and ridiculously awesome RAWFL ladies had proved a couple of things. Sometimes you just have to see it in the flesh.

Tonight's over the top entertainment had definitely hurt so-o-o good.