Eating Voyeurism at Cafe Gutenburg

It's not every night I see someone do something I've never seen before, but I don't want to jump the gun.

Like other food voyeurs, I went down to Cafe Gutenburg tonight for the 1st Annual Tofu-Eating contest to celebrate their one year anniversary because, you know, nothing says celebration like vegetarian gluttony.

The tofu trash-talking was already in progress when I got my wristband and found a prime viewing location.

There were ten contestants, evenly divided between the sexes; there was the guy with the Swiss cheese hat, the girl with the sequined shoulder pads, the guy with the samurai headband and others who just wore their everyday look.

The chosen ten had twelve minutes to eat four pounds of tofu scramble and if the weight doesn't give you some idea of the size of the portions, I was told that they came in at about three quarts each.

Three QUARTS!

Once the contest began, the cheerleading started in full force.

"Find your spirit animal!" when a contestant took a momentary break from eating.

"H2 NO!" when a contestant dared to drink water and take up valuable stomach space.

"Shake it out!" when a contestant stood to stretch.

"That's the way!" when a contestant burped eight minutes in, trying to make more room.

Of the ten, three chose to eat with their hands for speed's sake.

Getting close to the end (and, just so you know, twelve minutes is interminable whether you're competing or watching a tofu-eating contest) one girl got a stricken look on her face and then vomited into her hand.

Being a trooper, however, she ate it (she'd have been disqualified otherwise).

The guy next to me looked at me and said, "She's eating what she threw up!" causing another guy nearby to respond, "She's my hero."

After twelve minutes, their troughs were assessed and the emptiest-looking three taken to the back to be weighed.

The winner was cheese-head guy, who had declared before the start that he'd never eaten tofu before; apparently this was to psyche out his fellow contestants.

And he even used a fork.

Needless to say, the one thing I wasn't going to eat after such an event was tofu, but I was hungry despite what I'd seen.

Gull was setting up to play and despite how many times I've seen Nate perform, I never get tired of a man who can play guitar, drums and sing simultaneously.

So I did order the Gulf Shrimp Nicoise with grilled shrimp, romaine hearts, baby green beans, plum tomatoes and a lemon-caper dressing, which had a unique flavor and really complemented the salad, much like the way Gull's music complemented my meal.

One of the contestants came over to talk to me while I ate, rubbing her belly and telling me how stuffed she felt, even pointing to the area of her body where she said all that tofu was now lodged.

I can't imagine any of them will be able to look at tofu for a while; I know I won't be able to.

So I got to see something new tonight. It might have even come close to the time I saw a girl throw up into her hair at a show in Norfolk, but it couldn't quite match the spectacle I saw tonight.

Happy anniversary, Cafe Gutenburg, and many happy returns.

I'm thinking your tofu scramble should become the featured item on the menu from here on out...if nothing else, for sentimental reasons.

Escaping the Cold at Cafe Gutenburg

Cruising 17th Street, I spotted a prime parking space opening up right in front of Lulu's.

Two guys were standing out front watching me park and one of them was coatless in tonight's 30 degree weather, so I couldn't help but tease him about it.

His response was, "I have an invisible skin shield. You know, you can't park there if you're not coming in here."

I explained that I was meeting a friend at Cafe Gutenburg and what did he care where I went?

Seems he was the bartender at Lulu's; first he complimented my pink scarf and then insisted that I stop by after dinner.

You know, personal invitations are always an effective way to lure customers.

Wednesdays are Wine Down Wednesdays at Cafe Gutenburg, with select glasses half off.

Thus it was that I ordered the 2007 L'enclos des Bories Minervois, a syrah/grenache blend, tasting of currants and black pepper (and surprisingly tannic) and a mere four bucks.

Perhaps the wine deals accounted for the steadily increasing crowd we experienced tonight.

My friend arrived with the gift of a calendar showcasing twelve of the best photographs from his 2009 travels.

He's a hobby photographer with a great eye and he'd chosen some beautiful pictures which I will happily admire for the rest of the year.

He then regaled me with stories of his recent trip to Florida to visit his brother and his wife, people who actually enjoy canned peas and instant mashed potatoes.

Few people can describe food failures with quite the verve my friend can.

After our waitress' third stop by the table for our order, we accommodated.

He got the Local Mushroom Burger and I had the Smoked Salmon Blini with petit herbed salad, capers and creme fraiche with a side of buttered baby vegetables.

It's not every day you even see blini on a menu and these were were plentiful and delicious smeared with their plate mates.

The veggies were comprised of baby carrots and green beans doused in enough butter to prevent me from feeling virtuous about eating them.

But, of course, I wasn't going for virtuous.

Dessert was an overly large serving of Gelati Celesti chocolate ice cream which I did make a point of sharing with my friend.

As I pointed out to him, though, there's nothing like going to the Bottom for West End ice cream and besides, what kind of idiot orders ice cream when it's this cold outside?

Some questions have no answers.